I think fall is one of the most beautiful seasons. It’s so colourful compared to winter.

He likes balls.

Is too quick for the camera.

Loves to play with you (I mean: attention!) and always seems to know you’re watching him.

He thinks he can eat his feet (and his tail too).

Is easily distracted, and thinks everything is interesting.

And above all, he’s just a beautiful little pup, who bites my hair, eats my zipper (ooh yes, he’s naughty like that), and he’s already deeply loved. And he gets cuddled every change we get. Welcome to the family little one, you’ll fit right in!

I have to say, it really spoke to me, for the entire clip I stared in awe to my screen. And I realised they were right. Words are powerful, I don’t want to be a writer (excuse me, I am a writer) because I like letters. I want to move people with words, let them feel the emotions I’m feeling in the world I’ve created. I want to touch people with words. So why do I insist on not doing it to myself? Why don’t I let myself feel through words?

So I’ve decided that 2012 will be a year with a word for me too. But which one? There are so many (good) words to choose from. Believe, grow, dream, love, focus, creative, write, now, be. I have to fight the urge to take two, or maybe three words for 2012. But wouldn’t that kill the simplicity of the concept?

So I think I’m going with the first word that came to mind: trust.
Trust that everything will be okay, that all the bumps and cracks in the road will lead to a better place. Trust that I will get there, where ever there will be. Trust that the people around will not walk away when they see the real me. Trust in myself. Trust that I’m good enough to deserve to be happy. Trust that I’m not alone in ‘this’ and that there really are people that have my back and trust in those same people that I will always find arms to hug me. Trust in the mess that is creativity and life. Nothing ever worth it is going to be easy, straightforward or simple, but trust that it will work out anyway. Trust that everything in life happens for a reason.
Just trust.

I’ve always been a person who can get stuck, or get lost easily in her own head. I have angry conversations with people, I talk to people I haven’t spoken to in years and I relive memories daily. Is it any wonder that I’m someone who can hold a grudge for a very long time? Didn’t think so.

Lately I have been thinking about this a lot is a a good idea to keep reliving all those things? Now that I’ve finally started on Finding Water by Julia Cameron I realise that it isn’t. For an artist it’s unhealthy to view your life through the glasses of what if’s. And lately I’ve come to find it’s true. I’ve been so terrified of the past that I sometimes forget to live in the now. I forget to look up and see the beauty of winter, to see the funny walks people do in the snow. I look passed the drawings in the snow and the fresh spring flowers working their way up. All I do is look at the movie that is playing in my head. Images of the past and fantasy mixed together in a disturbing mix that never fails to get me upset, hurt or angry.

So, I have to learn to let go. I knew this already, but now I really know. I have to let go. Not live in what if’s. Live in the now. I have to make up the balance what feels good and what doesn’t and then erase the parts that don’t feel good. That drag me down. And then, really let go. No what if’s, no I should haves. Just here. Just now. And hopefully, watch the magic happen.