When I started writing this post a few months ago, the headline said ‘The boy knows me’. Because when my boyfriend, excuse me, ex-boyfriend came back from his trip back home, he brought me this really old books in his own language. I was over the moon. Nothing makes me happier than old, dusty smelling books that almost fall apart. Well that and seeing my (ex)boyfriend again of course.
This post was supposed to announce him to the world, that he was here, that he was with me and that he actually nailed the perfect gift. That was, right up until he broke my heart. Which he did sadly.
So now all that is left are a few old books that I can’t even read, a few languages books for a language I have no reason to learn any more and a notebook-set that’s going to end up in the bottom of a drawer, because I can’t stand to look at them right now. And a little polaroid photo of us together by a Christmas tree, where he sort of looks like Bambi in front of headlights. Those are the only few things that I can actually point to and say, ‘see, he was here. He made me happy for, that one month.’ And he did, he made me so happy. But now he’s gone and the things are in the bottom of a drawer, so I don’t have to see it all the time.
The truth is, we had something. Something that could have been so good. But we killed it. It makes me wonder if there was something there to begin with. Maybe it was just both of us hoping to find what we were hoping to find. I can blame him for killing it, I can blame myself for being the one who broke it. But it doesn’t really matter. We both did things that led us to where we are right now: apart from each other and I don’t think I will ever speak to him again. And it hurts. It’s confusing and it hurts. So I was the one who said it was best to end it. End the confusion, the expectations and in return get some space back into my head. So I could think, breath again. Yes, it still hurts, but my head isn’t filled with cotton any more and I can focus again.
In the end I think that is the most important. You can wait around for someone all you want, but in the end it’s you who has to decide if that’s what you want. If that’s what you really want. And although I was so glad he found me, although I didn’t want to say goodbye to him, this was not the kind of boyfriend I wanted to have. So I choose not to do this. I choose to be on my own.
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